surrender

I am witnessing an aircraft experiencing critical difficulties, a life-long recurrent motif. It is spinning along its horizontal axis as it comes down. I notice it has rotors on top like a helicopter, and wonder why I’ve never seen such a plane, and what purpose it serves.

The plane finally makes a controlled crash landing over the sea, and the whole scene shifts. I am now lying, closed eyes, “asleep” and lucid. As I wake I found myself lying on a triangle of pavement in the middle of the road, a pedestrian crossing, by a roundabout in a local shopping strip. A few concerned onlookers approach cautiously from different directions.

Two animals also arrive together from across the road, a small dog and another unusual creature, something like a Staffordshire Terrier only with shorter legs and the rounded body of a panda. Both of them are a beautiful copper red.

Although they bring me an initial sense of peace, the panda dog soon has my hand in its mouth and is clamping down hard. I can feel it with real-life fidelity. When I resist, attempting to pull away, the animal holds firm. When I relax my hand, hoping that the dog will respond to my calmness in kind, he clenches his teeth even more firmly and the pain deepens. I try both strategies a number of times. Although pulling my hand away is less painful, as the dog only holds his grip here rather than strengthening it, it somehow seems an unsatisfactory course of action. My intention is to be free of the dog, not be held in its grip indefinitely while my energy ebbs away from the combination of pain and resistance. Something in me keeps saying that, despite the pain of relaxing my hand and allowing the animal to bite ever harder, this is the way. There are two possible eventualities: he continues biting harder and harder until he tears my fingers off, in which case I am disabled but free; or at a certain point, if I can practice supreme surrender, the pain will cease, the physicality of my hand and his mouth will dissolve into the spacious energetic clouds they really are, and whether or not I remain in his grip will not matter as the whole predicament of our entanglement melts into nothingness. This is the route I take, and soon enough my surrender delivers the dissolution I am seeking. And the dream opens into a world of wonderment I cannot readily translate.

5 December, 2017